Things Unsaid - Why Not Me Mix

[notjustaface]

They're heading into Baghdad in ten hours and the only thing that sounds better than crawling into bed with a few beers and a big steak in his belly is having someone to crawl into the bunk with - but like everything else before going into a suicide mission it's complicated... made even more complicated with Hannibal's advice still ringing in his ears.

Figure it out. Right. If it were that easy to figure things out he wouldn't be the guy that bails every time it starts getting heavy. Well, at least every time save for the one that beat him to the punch. El Diablo... he likes that. And he likes French girls that smell like berries and kiss like cougars and when the base is quiet because everyone else has gone to bed for the night.

And he likes the guy that's still putting the finishing touches on a skid plate that's been done for hours in the empty shop.

"Bedtime, Murdock..." he calls with a soft smile as he walks across the room.

Comments

[notthatcrazy]

The silence is the first hint that something's not right. Murdock's a chatterbox, especially around people he likes and trusts, but right now he's in no mood for a friendly talk.

"Yeah, gimme a minute here."

[notjustaface]

"It's done." Face sighs, coming up behind him in comfortable proximity. "Come on, you get cranky if you haven't had enough sleep before a mission."

It doesn't really occur to him that something's really off, at least not anymore than it usually is before certain death.

[notthatcrazy]

If that's not enough to clue Face in that something's going on, the way he almost flinches away from him might. He's never done that before.

"Don't, okay? Not now."

[notjustaface]

It's definitely enough to set him a little off his game.

"What? I'm not allowed to walk you back to our happy little tent?"

[notthatcrazy]

And he's been patient when it comes to Face and their fucked up not-a-relationship - too patient, some people would say - but even he has his limits.

"Since you made out with that reporter right in front of me? Yeah, I'd say you're not."

[notjustaface]

Right. That. Well...

"Oh, come on... you're pissed at me? Because I pulled a little tongue on some girl?" He half-laughs; "I got the ID."

[notthatcrazy]

"I know, I was there. You didn't have to take it that far."

The sentence 'Quit thinking with your dick for once, asshole' isn't said, but it's implied pretty strongly.

[notjustaface]

Implication received loud and clear, ringing with the same thing Hannibal told him hours before.

Figure it out.

He'd figured on having a little more time... that it wouldn't be something so insignificant as a little kiss.

"I told you to get out of there with the camera."

[notthatcrazy]

"Yeah, telling me to go away while you make time with a girl ain't exactly helpin' your case."

He sets his tools down a bit more forcefully then necessary, trying to keep his voice down.

"You think just 'cause we're not... doing our thing here, that it doesn't mean anything to me? A few days ago I was watching you bleed out all over my goddamn chopper."

[notjustaface]

Ouch. Okay, so maybe he wasn't thinking. It just... it seemed like a good idea at the time.

He takes a step back and sighs; "What did you expect? Come on... you know me. Sometimes I get a little carried away. It's not like I slept with her."

He wants to say more, to just outright say that even if he did it's none of his business - but it feels wrong.

[notthatcrazy]

"What do I expect? Maybe I expect you to at least try to give a crap about my feelings instead of gettin' caught up in your scams and forgetting I'm even in the room."

He stalks past Face, heading towards their tent.

"Maybe I'm expectin' too much."

[notjustaface]

Ahh, there it is. Exactly what he expected if things got serious - exactly what he wanted to avoid in the first place.

"Maybe you are." He replies almost shyly. "You know how I am."

[notthatcrazy]

"Yeah, you keep sayin' that. Can't get serious with anyone."

He kicks at a clod of dirt in their path.

"Only we both know different, don't we?"

[notjustaface]

"I don't do serious, okay." He folds his arms over his chest, cupping his hand over his wound subconsciously.

"Just drop it, okay? We talked about this."

[notthatcrazy]

"Oh, give it a rest already, I found the ring."

And maybe it's unfair, opening old wounds like that, but right now he feels like he kind of deserves it.

[notjustaface]

Crap.

He can try to play stupid, but he knows it's not worth it - Murdock's eyes tell him everything he needs to know.

"I'm not that guy. I made a mistake. And we both saw how that ended up."

[notthatcrazy]

"You weren't the one who ended it."

He shakes his head.

"I gotta ask... is it the guy thing, or is it just me?"

[notjustaface]

Sure, twist that knife. Not that he doesn't deserve it.

He sighs, glancing around the empty shop before replying quietly; "It's not you."

He's forcing himself to take it seriously, to face it. To figure out it.

"It's definitely not you."

[notthatcrazy]

He's a bit skeptical. You get enough people telling you you're too much for them, you tend to start believing it.

"Then what is it? Why can't you deal with this?"

[notjustaface]

"I.. just..." He growls, digging his fingers against the gauze just to bring himself back into the moment.

"You know what, I'm not talking about this right now. We're on our way to pull a one-in-a-million stunt and I can't do this right now."

[notthatcrazy]

"Hey. Quit that."

He sighs, suddenly looking very tired. They're almost back to their temporary accommodations, and his voice has quieted to nearly a whisper.

"Have I given you any reason not to trust me? Or yourself?"

[notjustaface]

"You know, I hate these words probably more than I've ever hated saying anything - but when it's true..."

He shakes his head, letting out another hollow sigh before reaching out to grab his shoulder, stopping him.

"It's not you, okay? It's me. I told you like a hundred years ago back in Borneo that you don't deserve someone like me."

[notthatcrazy]

He almost flinches from his touch again, but relaxes slightly after a moment.

"And I'm still here."

[notjustaface]

"Yeah..." he frowns, "you are. And, uh... it's a problem."

He can't help but think about it. Before you hurt him again.

"Because I'm just gonna hurt you. Because that... that is what I do, okay? I hurt people. I fuck up and I do really... really stupid shit sometimes."

[notthatcrazy]

"You are such a damn idiot sometimes, you know that?"

He doesn't really mean to be mean... he's just sick of all this.

"You're so worried about screwing this up that you're screwin' it up before it's even started."

[notjustaface]

His fingers curl again, itching to just get it over with.

"What am I supposed to say, Murdock?" He sighs somewhat louder than he speaks; "You think everything's supposed to okay if I just say what you want to hear? You think I can change? I have given you so many chances to just walk away and drop this."

[notthatcrazy]

"And you think I can?"

He squirms away from the grip on his shoulder.

"I love you, asshole. And yeah, it would probably be a hell of a lot easier if I didn't, but that ain't gonna happen."

[notjustaface]

Of all the places to be having this conversation... it would be in the middle of a hundred guys he wouldn't want hearing him say it.

"And just because I love you that doesn't mean it's going to work out."

He squares his jaw, staying firmly in his place. Yeah. He said it.

[notthatcrazy]

His eyes widen at the admission before he closes him tightly. Of all the ways he's imagined hearing those words, that was the one he wished wouldn't happen.

"You can't know it won't."

He sighs. He's probably kidding himself anyway. For this to get serious they'd have to deal with the impact on their careers, and he doesn't see that happening. Not when the team is the only family either of them have.

[notjustaface]

"I know me." He looks down at his hands, more awkward than he's felt in as long as he can remember.

"And if you're this upset about something I did without even thinking about it, what do think'll happen the first time I really mess up? How far do you think it would take to destroy a relationship and our friendship?"

He bites down into his lower lip, forcing himself to look back up to him. "How much do I have to fuck up to break the team because I love someone?"

[notthatcrazy]

"I'm not angry at you for screwing up, I'm angry at you acting like this doesn't matter."

He reaches for Face's hand, angry at himself for wanting that little bit of physical contact, even now.

"It took me years to get that angry. You honestly think I'd stand by and let you break us?"

[notjustaface]

His eyes close again and even breathing seems impossible for a second. Then he turns away from the touch, pulling away from him is the last thing he wants to do but part of him still things it's for the best.

"Did you forget your meds today or something? Yes. Yes, you would because that's what you do. You just... just get something in your head and that's the way it has to be because you can't see it any other way. Well... I can see this going another way. And I can't let it happen."

[notthatcrazy]

His eyes narrow, and almost before he can think about it, his hand makes contact with Face's jaw.

"You..."

He doesn't even know how to finish that sentence. Trying to hold himself together, he turns away before they can do any more damage to each other.

[notjustaface]

He's been hit a lot harder, but it's never stung so bad. And he knows he deserves it too. He wants to shut up so bad, but his mouth tends to have a mind of it's own.

"It's for your own good, Murdock." He says just loud enough to be heard. "Just... trust me on this one, okay?"

[notthatcrazy]

"Just stop it."

It's only because they're within earshot of half the damn base that he isn't shouting right now.

"Stop making this about me when you're the one who's scared."

[notjustaface]

Damn him and his stupid face and his stupid... being right.

It'd be easy to just to let it go... but maybe it's just his way of figuring it out. Maybe he can't just let it be easy.

"Okay." He nods slowly, stepping closer. "You got me, do you want me to say it? I'm more terrified to be having this conversation... ever... than the fact that we're on the cusp of the most insane mission we've ever done. Because at least I know if I fuck that up I won't have to look you in the eyes and tell you I'm sorry - because I'll be dead."

[notthatcrazy]

"Okay... I can understand that."

He knows how much harder it is for Face to put things in those boxes he has when it's someone he really cares about... and when it comes down to it, he's asking for a leap of faith. That's a pretty major thing.

And he's so not thinking about the death thing. Nope, not at all, no sirree. Face isn't the only one who can compartmentalize.

"I know you, remember? I knew what I was getting into when we started this. I'm not gonna push this any more tonight, but can you at least trust that I know how to watch out for myself?"

After that med crack, he's really not sure anymore.

[notjustaface]

When he sighs, it's not frustration... it's relief. Getting it off his chest, right out there in the open.

Not that it helps anything, just knowing that Murdock understands it's really not his fault.

"Murdock..." he whispers, reaching out to grab the corner of his shirt as he steps closer still. "Just because I can't say it... doesn't mean I don't."

[notthatcrazy]

"Yeah... I know."

He doesn't back away, but he doesn't get any closer either.

"C'mon, let's get inside."

[notjustaface]

"Everything'll be better tomorrow." He murmurs, waiting for a hug that doesn't want to come.

It's too broken. He fucked up. But maybe he'll fix it if that's what's supposed to happen.

Instead, he's the first to move toward the bunk and when he lays his head down he thinks about the stupid teddy bear back in his footlocker at the house and whispers; "G'night Murdock."

[notthatcrazy]

He wants so much to just crawl in beside him and tell him everything will be okay, things will work out like they're meant to, but he just... can't. Not yet.

He runs a hand through his hair instead before heading to his own bunk.

"Night, baby."