So you're having a breakdown / So you're losing the fight

[notjustaface]

It was only a matter of time, at least that's what Face tells himself when Hannibal corners him in the kitchen of a one bedroom apartment they've managed to scam for the last few weeks since tumbling into Chicago on a job. They'd been running almost a year without any major setbacks, sure they'd had their snags but everything was going well enough. Funny how a little thing can turn into a big problem.

"We need to talk about Murdock." Hannibal states flatly, twisting a spoon through his coffee with just enough sugar to kill the bitter bite of BA's strong brew.

Face already has files laid out in front of him on their mark and his associates, carefully making notes on a page of stationary from some motel in Boston. He doesn't bother looking up, assuming it's about to become another lecture on the dangers of mixing work and pleasure. "I'm listening."

"In case you haven't noticed, he hasn't eaten in two days."

He looks up from from his notes, going over the last couple days in his head - had it really been two days? It's hard to tell, they'd all been so busy getting things together to make their final move on a scumbag pimp that a cop friend of Hannibal's couldn't pin charges on. "I brought him breakfast a few hours ago, but he was sleeping."

"He's been sleeping for the last ten hours."

"So? That's a good thing, God knows I could use a good night's sleep."

"We all could. When's the last time he managed more then four or five hours?" Hannibal sets aside the spoon, but doesn't drink.

Face considers the question and then shrugs; "So, you think he's sick?" It's a possibility - they've been on the move almost nonstop for over a month before landing the gig and spent most of it sleeping in the cargo truck they'd bought with stolen salvage papers and living off fast food - it's enough to kill anyone's immune system.

"When was the last time he filled his prescriptions?"

Filling prescriptions was a laughable matter that over the last year has meant one exceptionally brief stay as a John Doe in an emergency room and a rather shady deal with a black market supplier. "Guadalajara. But those were really big... like dispensary sized bottles." Easily enough to cover him for a really long time.

"And when was the last time you counted them?"

He could see where Hannibal was going, and he didn't like. "Counted them? What, am I his mother? He's not off his meds."

"You're supposed to keep an eye on him, Face... when you decided that suddenly you two were..."

"Don't even go where you're going, man." Face pushes up from the table, glowering. "Just because we're together that doesn't mean it's my job to be his doctor!"

"It's your job to take care of him!" Hannibal shouts, drawing a low growl from where BA was sprawled across the sofa in the living room. "You took on that responsibility."

"I..." Face sighs, shaking his head. There's not even anything he can say to that - in all fairness, he more or less was taking care of him. He just never considered things like Murdock going off his medication without telling anyone.

Without further comment, he heads to the bedroom where Murdock's still curled on the bed with his untouched breakfast beside him.

"Wake up, man..." he states firmly, sitting on the edge of the bed behind him. "We need to talk."

Comments

[notthatcrazy]

He shakes his head, making a face. Too much, too soon.

"What videos?"

[notjustaface]

He can understand, he thinks, and digs in on his own - still pressing close against him.

"Mmm, personal favorites." He chuckles under his breath, nodding toward the screen when the familiar music starts to play. "It's time to play the music... time to light the lights..."

[notthatcrazy]

That brings out his first real smile in days.

"Perfect."

He's still exhausted and overwhelmed and probably doesn't smell too great considering how long he's gone without showering, but this feels like an improvement. His hand reaches toward his chest, where the rings they'd exchanged lie on a chain around his neck.

"Face... how much of it did you see?"

There's no use denying it. He'd have to have looked at his file to know what meds to grab.

[notjustaface]

"Hmm?" He raises both eyebrows, brushing a somewhat greasy kiss in his hair. "Every episode, man. Everything I can get my hands on."

He's not really sure that's what he's asking about, but when in doubt playing dumb's a good option.

[notthatcrazy]

"Not that." He punches his arm, a touch less lightly than he normally might.

"I know you already knew what I take long-term but you wouldn't mess with the emergency stuff unless you knew it'd work."

He shakes his head.

"I'm not mad... I just wanna know."

[notjustaface]

He lowers his eyes and lets out a soft sigh as he swallows another large bite. There's a lot of answers to that question - most of them the truth.

"Enough," he replies quietly worming his arm around Murdock's waist to find his hand - lacing their fingers together. "Mostly just medication, the notes from when you were in the hospital where we met. You, uh... you had a similar incident and that's what they used for intervention."

[notthatcrazy]

That answer seems to satisfy him as he leans back against him.

"I was pretty manic when we met."

Obviously, what with the whole 'lighting you on fire' thing. How the Colonel trusted him enough to let him fly that day, he'd never know.

"Knew you'd be good for me, though. Even then."

He's quiet for a while after that as the show unfolds, occasionally feeling bold enough to sneak a few fries out of Face's bag.

[notjustaface]

It could have been worse, if what he read was any indication it could have been a lot worse.

"You're good for you." He smiles slightly when Murdock looks at him, kissing his forehead. "I'm just... here."

He's not sure if he's good or not, he does what needs to be done - and he hopes that's good enough for the both of them.

[notthatcrazy]

At least he was fairly lucid then, and not screaming, fighting or catatonic.

"You're good too. 'Cause I say so." He pokes him in the arm again.

"...I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

[notjustaface]

"It's okay." He squeezes his arm tighter around him, resting his chin on his partner's head.

"I was mad..." he whispers, "but I guess I kind of understand. It's like when I busted my wrist and didn't tell anyone, right?"

[notthatcrazy]

"Something like that."

He can sense another ride on the emotional rollercoaster on the horizon, and he leans into his side.

"I just... got scared."

[notjustaface]

Not even the Muppet Show can turn away his obvious pause before quietly asking; "You were scared of what? Of... of me?"

He'd considered it, in the long minutes waiting outside the VA for things to pick up where he could slip in with less chance of being recognized. Thoughts of why Murdock wouldn't tell him or even let on what he was dealing - and he kept coming up empty-handed.

[notthatcrazy]

"I don't know..."

He waves a hand, as if that will help shape his thoughts into some coherent form.

"You just... you never seemed to understand before."

And if I'm this tired of dealing with this, how much longer are you gonna be able to

[notjustaface]

He's quiet again, probably too long but he can't pull together anything that makes sense.

Finally, he murmurs; "Look, I'm not going to pretend I understand... but you matter to me." His fingers tighten against Murdock's squeezing firmly. "And even if I don't understand that doesn't mean that I don't care about what's going on."

[notthatcrazy]

He doesn't know how to explain it any better than that. He knows all this, but it's hard to feel like you matter when depression digs its claws in.

"I'll try not to do it again."

[notjustaface]

"Just... don't keep me in the dark, man." Face lets his voice level out, hoping it's understood that he's serious.

"Not just about your pills... I want to know. We're... okay... I just..." He stumbles for some way to explain where his brain is, and takes a deep breath before sorting it out; "You and me are bigger than even this team."

[notthatcrazy]

It's the first time he's ever heard him say it, that what they have is the most important thing to him. Even though he really already knew, it's good to hear. Especially now.

"Yeah?"

[notjustaface]

It's hard to say, but it's as close to an outright admission of feelings about the future as he can bring himself to get without some other acting force.

"Even after this is all over... if it ever is... I'm kinda hoping there'll still be us. And if there's gonna be an 'us', we've both got to stop thinking about ourselves sometimes."

Face knows that counts especially for him, he's not an idiot - he knows all too well more often than not even when he says he's doing it for the team there's always an element of their lifestyle that's appealed to him.

[notthatcrazy]

He leans in until their foreheads are touching, trying to let him know he understands the seriousness.

"There's always gonna be an us. I love you. And I'm sorry I scared you."

He's likely to keep apologizing all night if someone doesn't cut him off at the pass.

[notjustaface]

He doesn't even think he can talk about being scared - it's part of him he'd rather not admit exists at all. Nerves of steel. He's a fucking Ranger. No fear.

"It's done with. You're good now, that's what matters."

[notthatcrazy]

"Not yet. But getting there."

He sneaks another french from the bag and curls back against his side.

"Tired."

How he can sleep so much and still feel so worn out is another one of life's mysteries.

[notjustaface]

Getting there is good enough for Face, that means he'll get there - it means that maybe they'l be going back to normal soon. Well, their normal at least.

"You need to stay up with me a little longer, okay? Finish your soup and water. After this tape you can go back to sleep."

He's still scared that he fucked up the dosage or grabbed the wrong vial no matter how many times he went over it in his head, he has to make sure it's okay.

[notthatcrazy]

He trusts him. To an almost scary degree.

"'Kay."

He leans back, content to watch the Muppet hijinx ad he wraps himself around his partner.

[notjustaface]

"I'd do anything for you, you know that, right?" He murmurs quietly, tossing the wrapper over the edge of the bed to be cleaned up. He follows it with a bottle of cool water pressed into Murdock's hand and kiss on top of his head.

"But next time I'd like to be able to have a plan that's not more or less suicidal."

[notthatcrazy]

He flinches at the word choice, as well as the reminder of his risk-taking. Hiding his face for a few moments until he's calm enough to reply, he looks up at him with wide eyes.

"Just don't go anywhere and leave me, okay?"